You’re Freakin’ Bored With the Sex You’re Getting

So, here’s a situation where you want to tell your lover that you are totally bored with sex-specifically, the sex you have when you’re with them. You may (or may not) actually reach orgasm, but you don’t get excited anymore thinking about being with them. Your sexual activity has become predictable, average, feels like maintenance, and more often than not-TOO BRIEF!!

You want more. Maybe try new things. Include new accoutrements (toys, fabrics, food, people) or make memories in new places. Whatever it is you want to explore, you want to do it with them. So you have to figure out a way to say it that doesn’t make them dry or shrivel up, get defensive, walk way, or shut it down completely. This isn’t supposed to be a break up…just a step up.

So what do you do?

SITUATION FACTORS

*You like the person-it could be your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, friend with benefits, booty call, casual partner…whomever.
*You want to maintain the sexual relationship;
*You want to try more and/or different things with them (as opposed to someone else)
*This is a quality issue, not a quantity issue-that’s another situation topic.

YOUR MESSAGE:

I want you. And with you I want to explore more sexually. I want to take our climax to new levels. I know that we have yet to reach our sexual potential.

SAMPLE WORDS & PHRASES

*You make me want more.
*What if I tell you that you make me want to do very naughty things?
*I have a surprise for you.
*Are you up for trying something new?
*Tell me about a fantasy you’ve yet to try.
*If you tell me a sexy secret, I’ll tell you one right back.
*I feel like I haven’t tapped in to my passionate and raw side. Come with me.
*I want to feel your breath on the back of my neck, even after you’ve long gone.
*I’m ready. You ready? Ready to go there. You know where. Whisper it in my ear.

WARNINGS!!!

*Do not use words that place blame
*Do not create ultimatums
*The automatic response is for the recipient to take it personally. And rightly so, and make you have to defend yourself-thus getting off topic.
*Do not say, “I’m bored.”

SENSITIVITY FACTORS

*They may not be as experienced.
*They may be shy; you may be shy.
*Old baggage around sex.
*Personal insecurity.
*Fear of rejection.
*Work a lot; tired.
*Children considerations.
*You’ve gotten so familiar with each other and comfortable that sex is no longer a priority.
*You both aren’t keeping you’re A-game up with each other.
*Religious constraints.

EXPRESSIVE METHODS:

*Handwritten message
*In person (after a couple of drinks…to keep the automatic defense reaction at a minimum)
*Text message

SAMPLE DELIVERY METHODS:

*A gift in a box, with a handwritten note. For example, “I have a surprise for you” written note (not typed) in a box as a gift, lying on top of silk scarf.
*Voice note (like a text) with the Blackberry
*As a whisper in the ear over dinner, while driving…or any place that’s not home to build up anticipation.

The key in the delivery method is to keep it intimate. You want to create intrigue and stimulate desire.

WHAT TO EXPECT:

*This is not a situation that can be fixed over night.
*It takes consistent (soft and sexy) suggestions to shift the expectations
*Perhaps resistance at first; but if demonstrate that this is not a unilateral criticism, and that you want to step it up with them (and them only-unless you both decide you want to invite a guest or two)
*You may be making all the effort for change in the beginning. It doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t want change…just may have a more difficult time initiating the change.
*Hopefully eventually…AMAZING SEX!!!

THOUGHTS FROM DR. MIKYTA DAUGHERTY, PhD

Given the fact that you’re the one who wants more from your partner, you have the uncomfortable task of making your needs known in a non-threatening way. This is the hard part because everyone is a bit self-conscious when it comes to their sexual abilities and thus, anything you say is likely to feel a little threatening. They may become sullen or defensive when presented with the hard news that they’re not cutting it in bed. Expect it and treat it with compassion. The key is to emphasize your confidence in their ability to meet your needs. Offer your vulnerability and invite them to join. Show them what you’d like. If skill is the problem, there’s plenty to find on the internet and in Barnes and Nobles. Buy some books and read them aloud. Watch videos with each other. Make it fun and something you do together. Make it a game where the goal isn’t to win but to have fun – you’re on the same team.

Also, keep in mind that some people have been mistreated sexually. There may be problems that have nothing to do with you. Either way, if your partner does not respond the way you’d like, don’t take it personally. If you hit this hard, their insecurity should be short lived.

Remember, patience, compassion and modeling. Be the change you want to see.

Adult Dating: Friend or Foe – Your Sex Life and the Internet!

There was a time when finding a date, partner, lover or playmate online was frowned upon. It was for people who couldn’t get a date any other way!
Oh how things have changed…not only can you sign up to a site listing thousands of singles who match your height, size, location and taste in food…now you can choose your sex partners too.

Finding people on the net can be an isolating/sole activity but, once you’ve taken that deep breath and shrugged off the stigma attached to female sexual freedom, life can get very interesting!

Take the fetish scene; it’s out there, sites for introduction or information, clubs for fun, support or full on parties, yearly events and awards, shops for all those outfits and toys to assist in your wildest fantasies. Whether you’re into sexy undies, the power of domination or having your feet licked…it’s yours for the taking.
It’s time to turn your man over and tell him how u like it…or come out to the world and grab the girl with the dog collar and lead her straight to your bedroom, love nest or dungeon!

So, where do you start what’s the ethics, is it safe, what’s the terminology?

Start at the beginning.

What are you looking for?

· Straight sex

· A specific fetish

· Are you curious about them all

· Do you want information before deciding

· Do you want to meet in the flesh or chat online?

Be clear in your own head what you want, don’t go at someone else’s pace, set your own and only go as far and as fast as you want to.

Once you’ve found a site that interests you take advantage of the free trial offers. Use this time to send as many mails to other members as you can, the more you mail out the more will come back. Chat with lots of people not just the one person. And remember it’s cool for women to make the first contact too!

Fill out your personal details. This is your opportunity to sell yourself. Tell people who you are, what you like, what you’re looking for. If it’s your first time or if you’re new to the scene just say so. The members are into an alternative lifestyle; they’re not an alien life form. And above all, be honest!

Put a picture on your profile. Make sure it’s of you and only you! Not your favourite pet or you and your ex! And make sure it’s an up to date one…nothing worse than when you get to meet someone and they look about 10 years older than the picture you’ve been dreaming over!

Don’t feel obliged to answer every contact. Just because it’s a site about sex doesn’t mean anyone can say anything to you and you have to accept it. No matter what type of site or relationship the overriding word is ‘consensual’. If you’re not interested then don’t reply. You wouldn’t accept a drink, dance or advance from just anyone in a club and the same applies to introduction sites.

If there’s something on a persons profile that you don’t understand take a deep breath and ask then or look in the sites glossary. Or if you’re just too shy for that do a search on the Internet!

Use the safety of the site to get to know the people you come in contact with before meeting them in person. If you do agree to meet in person meet in a public place and drive yourself.

Is it a scam I hear you ask? No, there are thousands of people out there looking to make new friends, find romance, find a sex partner that match their hopes, dreams and fantasies and it costs less per month than one night out on the town. And lets be honest, how often will you come across people from around the world that you can talk openly to from the moment you meet them about your inmost fantasies?
Do remember though that online dating is a tool to help with what you are looking for but without your input it would be like sitting in the toilets at a party!

It doesn’t matter what your age, size, hair colour or interests are. There are sites on the Internet to meet your need and budget. Whether it’s music, fetish, sport, health or religion, there’s a site for you. So what are you waiting for, get on there and have some fun.

Putting Yourself Out There With BBW Sex Personals

Dating options have expanded over the years and with the ability to search for a great experience online you can place BBW sex personals on a specialty site. Due to their nature, specialized dating sites come with a minimal membership fee. Why go with a paid site, you may be asking.

With a proper service, you’ll be offered security, selection and people who are there to look after protecting your interests. Additionally, it takes extra work to run a specialized dating site and keep people who do not fit in the particular specialty out.

Your happiness is key, so dating sites do a lot of work to create the right environment and atmosphere. Your job is made easier; be yourself and prepare your wish list. By placing a detailed profile and great photos to enhance the search your BBW sex personal ad will have a lot more hits.

Good quality dating sites have filters in place to help make them more desirable and find the right type of people who will enhance the experience for the clients. Some will have a chat feature as well as messaging so you can speak to different candidates that might prove interesting to you. This offers you great variety and widens the choices available to you.

You have the option to be completely open about who you are or be a little more conservative. How you want to attract a potential mate is up to you and your profile. The good online sites make this a much easier process by assisting you with a BBW sex personal profile, which takes some of the stress out of the dating game. Remember, creating a great image of yourself by expressing who you really are will make it easier for the right person to find you.

If you have something special, you want to add that you feel makes you stand out more, do it. Each person has his/her own unique qualities. By being yourself in your profile, you will open up a whole new world. You will attract people who want someone like you, which is what you want.

By doing research into the sites you have interest in, you will see the services they have to offer. Rates may change with promotions but professional sites are the best choice if you’re serious about a good encounter. Most of them offer a free trial period.

If you travel a lot, or just want to find someone regardless of where they live the online dating arena is a great choice. Many dating sites take great pride in their ability to match the right people together given their requests, profiles and information provided.

If you know people who have experience with online dating, speak to them about their experience and the options they’ve chosen. Which sites they felt gave them the best service and catered to the needs they had. Your BBW sex personals are an advertisement of who you are and what you want in someone who can evoke desire from you. Be sure to let people know who you are, and what you want, and let the dating site take care of offering you an array of dating potentials to make you happy.

How to Accept the Truth When Your Child Wants to Do a Same-Sex Marriage

Accepting the truth about your gay child’s marriage with a same sex person can be quite a big problem initially. The shock and perhaps some anger can make you feel miserable as you had notions about your son. You had a difficult task accepting your child was gay earlier, and now, you have to battle with the idea that he would marry another man.

It goes against your idea of marriage and the very shock and disbelief that greeted you when you first came to know about your child’s sexual orientation, would surface again. You know very well how society views gays and their relationships. And marriage is something that is most stigmatized by society, still at odds with the issue. The recent Proposal 8 in the United States would make lives more difficult for gay and lesbians and all same sex marriages.

Nearly half the states in the US are against same sex marriage and gay relationships. It s only a few states where they are legal and rights are given to gay couples to also adopt children. But it dies not get easier that way as there can be discrimination at every level. Right form the child adoption agencies to the home owners, gay couples can find the going tough and loaded against them.

These may figure in your mind when you are faced with accepting the truth about your gay son’s marriage. It does not end with you accepting another boy or man who would share his life with your son. But doesn’t the same thing happen in heterosexual marriages? There are misunderstandings and fights in any relationship. Your child was born that way and being gay is not his overall personality, but a very small fraction of it.

It is quite natural that he would marry some time in his life as like heterosexuals of his age. He too is attracted and inclined to romance. But unlike them, his attraction is only toward members of his own sex. How can you deny him the only way that he could be happy and start a family? Don’t you think he has the same intensity of romance? If you know he is perfectly normal, then you should easily accept the truth. His future lies in marrying another gay person.

You may not have got on well with your daughter in law if you had a straight child or may not have liked your son’s choice. In a gay marriage, similar problems can arise, but they are not gay marriage specific. It is the need to accept the truth for your gay child’s sake as it is his life. He has to be happy and his happiness is what you, as a parent, can hope for and support.

Help For the Partners of Sex Addicts

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What is sex addiction?

Sex addiction is an obsessive relationship to sexual thoughts, fantasies or activities that an individual continues to engage in despite adverse consequences. These thoughts, fantasies or activities occupy a disproportionate amount of “psychic space”, resulting in an imbalance in the person’s overall functioning in important areas of life, such as work and marriage. Distress, shame and guilt about the behaviors erode the addict’s already weak self-esteem.

Sexual addiction can be conceptualized as an intimacy disorder manifested as a compulsive cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, sexual behavior, and despair. Central to the disorder is the inability of the individual to adequately bond and attach in intimate relationships. The syndrome is rooted in early attachment failure with primary caregivers. It is a maladaptive a way to compensate for this early attachment failure. Addiction is a symbolic enactment of deeply entrenched unconscious dysfunctional relationships with self and others.

While the definition of sex addiction is the same as that of other addictions, sexual compulsion is set apart from other addictions in that sex involves our innermost unconscious wishes, needs, fantasies, fears and conflicts.

Like other addictions, it is relapse prone.

· How do I know if my partner is a sex addict?

Sometimes, it’s difficult to know whether someone close to you has an addiction. The addict might hide the addictive behavior or you might not know the warning signs or symptoms.

Here are some of the signs and symptoms:

* Staying up late to watch television or surf the Web.

* Looking at pornographic material such as magazines, books, videos and clothing catalogs.

* Frequently isolating themselves from spouses or partners, and doesn’t inform them of their whereabouts.

* Are controlling during sexual activity or have frequent mood swings before or after sex.

* Are demanding about sex, especially regarding time and place.

* Gets angry if someone shows concern about a problem with pornography

* Offers no appropriate communication during sex

* Lacks intimacy before, during and after sex, and offers little or no genuine intimacy in the relationship

* Does not want to socialize with others, especially peers who might intimidate them

* Fails to account for increasing number of toll – 800 or 900 – calls

* Frequently rents pornographic videotapes

* Seems to be preoccupied in public with everything around them

* Has tried to switch to other forms of pornography to show a lack of dependency on one kind; concoct rules to cut down but doesn’t adhere to them

* Feels depressed

* Is increasingly dishonest

* Hides pornography at work or home

* Lacks close friends of the same sex

* Frequently uses sexual humor

* Always has a good reason for looking at pornography (Psych Central.com).

· Why can’t he/she control his/her sexual behavior?

It’s important for you to know that your partner is not volitionally involved in these behaviors so you can begin to understand and, perhaps, forgive. Most addicts would stop if they could.

It’s been said that of all the addictions, sex is the most difficult to manage. This syndrome is a complex mixture of biological, psychological, cultural, and family-of-origin issues, the combination of which creates impulses and urges that are virtually impossible to resist. Despite the fact that acting them out produces considerable long-term negative consequences, the addict simply cannot resist his/her impulses. Individuals who are highly disciplined, accomplished and able to direct the force of their will in other areas of life fall prey to sexual compulsion. More importantly, people who love and cherish their partners can still be enslaved by these irresistible urges.

Research has also shown that the inability to control sexual impulses is associated with neurochemical imbalances in the norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine systems. The use of certain anti-depressants (SSRI’s) has thus shown to be very effective in treating the impulse control problems of many sexual compulsives.

Biological predisposition contributes and combines with psychological factors. One of the reasons the “erotic haze” is so compulsory is that it is an unconscious but maladaptive way to repair earlier disturbed, anxiety-laden relationships. It shores up an inadequate sense of self which results from these early-life interpersonal abandonments, intrusions and misattunements.

This combination of biological and psychological factors results in an “affective disorder” in the sex addict. Feeling of depression, anxiety, boredom and emptiness are quickly alleviated by immersing oneself in an imaginary world that provides novelty, excitement, mystery and intense pleasure. Sex addiction is better than Prosac. It heals, it soothes, it contains, it provides a “safe place” free from the demands of actual performance, and it gives an illusory sense of belonging. The sense of empowerment in the illicit sex act rectifies “holes in the soul” and lifts the addict from feelings of inadequacy, insufficiency, depression and emptiness into a state of instant euphoria.

Relinquishing this very special (but delusional) mental and physical state can result in a sense of withdrawal which may include mood swings, inability to concentrate and irritability. These symptoms usually disappear in therapy as the sense of self is solidified and he finds more creative ways to deal with uncomfortable feelings.

· What are the effects of cybersex addiction on the relationship?

Effects of sex addiction on the sex addict’s partner can be numerous, encompassing a wide range of emotions and reactive behaviors. The sexual codependent’s experience is similar to, but not thoroughly identical to, a codependent person in a relationship with a substance abuser. A codependent partner of a drug addict or alcohol, for example, may manage to understand and even sympathize with her partner’s alcohol problem due to the lesser social condemnation.

But a compulsive addiction that involves engaging in sexual activities on the computer or outside of the home inflicts a psychic injury of ultimate betrayal. Sexuality goes to the heart of who we are.

Arguable, one purpose and outcome of cybersex is to detach and disconnect sexual experience from real relationships in life. Cybersex’s primary stimulus to autoerotic behavior produces profound disconnection of the sexual experience from relationship context and meaning. Compulsive viewing of pornography, for instance, in no way supports or fosters intimate, attachment-linked sexual gratification, anchored in emotional connection, intimate responsiveness and relationship fidelity.

Cybersex addiction reinforces a non-intimate, non-relational, and non-demanding sexual experience — a detached, disconnected physical arousal geared to the self-engrossed preoccupation typical of addictive sexual behavior. Cybersex entrenches emotional, psychological and spiritual/existential disconnection of sexuality from relationship context. Entrance into the “erotic haze” that encompasses the sex addict induces sexual arousal, climax and resolution without real relationship attentiveness, responsiveness, or commitment – the key dimensions of a loving attachment.

The behavior directly undermines trust in the couple’s relationship. Thus, the sexual dynamics depicted in cybersex are inherently detrimental and destructive to secure attachment that is essential to a sense of trust in the relationship.

It is also reasonably anticipated that a husband’s deception and lying – the existence of a “secret world” apart from the primary relationship is an overlapping, yet also separate detrimental influence upon relationship trust.

For some women, this lack of trust in their husband’s word – leads to uncertainty about the “substance” of the man they married, uncertainty about his true identity and a change in their perception of his identity – that of seeing him as fundamentally untrustworthy and of disreputable character. Thus, their internal model of their husband changes.

Others may feel that the husband is unable to fulfill marital expectations of emotional intimacy and companionship. They talk about not trusting that their husband would fulfill the role of being someone who could provide emotional support. They feel unable to turn to their husbands for this emotional support for different reasons: fearing she would trigger a relapse; feeling rejected because of his involvement in computer sex; sensing her husband’s inability to provide emotional support; being shamed by a husband’s angry or dismissive response from her attempts to reach out for support and companionship; or resolving that her husband was emotionally preoccupied with his own struggle with addiction.

The addict’s use of cybersex causes self doubt and lowered self esteem in the spouse. These women feel they aren’t pretty enough or skinny enough, or whatever. In any event, the feel that they are not what their husbands want. Some feel that if they were more sexually desirable, he wouldn’t have this problem. Sometimes, in a frantic effort to compete with unreal women on the internet or with prostitutes, they go to extremes with cosmetic surgery, breast implantation, excessive exercise – in the mistaken belief that if she can lure him back sexually and her husband would stop being interested in pornography and the marriage could be redeemed.

Some spouses feel that her husband’s use of internet pornography is a direct attack on her self-worth. They start doubting themselves. They doubt their self-worth. They start doubting the things that used to make them feel special and meaningful. Because if she had any meaning, why was he doing what he’s doing?

The wife is often stunned, confused, and in extreme pain upon discovery of the sexual/cybersex addiction. Anger and resentment can be overwhelming. For many partners, the addict’s betrayal can precipitate trauma that resembles post-traumatic stress disorder.

A wife can believe that sex is the most important way to express love, so her partner’s sexual acting out can leave her feeling deeply inadequate and unlovable.

Within the union, the partner’s low self-esteem can contribute to anxiety and fear of being abandoned. Often she will set aside her moral values and tolerates participating in sexual behaviors with her partner which are unacceptable or even repugnant to her. She feels too unworthy to have solid sexual boundaries. She mistakenly believes that she can stop his acting out if she satisfies his (insatiable and unrealistic) sexual needs.

A surprisingly common effect reported by many partners – after the shock of discovery -is the feeling of losing one’s mind. Obsessing about the details of the sex addict’s betrayal, repeatedly confronting her partner with “evidence” of infidelity and being told she’s “crazy” or “just jealous” results in a loss of focus and an inability to concentrate. Fear and anger aggravate the condition. Furthermore, there is an element of intense shame for both addict and sexual codependent attached to sexual addiction, especially if his interests involve an object, cross-dressing, dominance and submission or children. She isolates herself from friends, family and community due to her shame, which provides fertile ground for depression. In some situations, the partner is brought to a point of absolute despair.

Some maladaptive strategic responses the sexual codependent may engage in as a means of coping include excessive alcohol consumption, food binges, excessive house cleaning, and overtime career activity; acts that can serve as distractions from her distrust, pain and hostility. Distractions, of course, provide only a temporary and false “relief” and often create more problems than they solve.

When the partner’s anger and resentment are suppressed over a period of time, they eventually explode in a volcano of rage, blame, and furious criticism of the sex addict.

The explosion of frustrated emotions can open a door to enormous guilt and remorse, so the partner may forgive the addict’s offenses and not stand clear in setting boundaries for herself. The result is an unfortunate snare for the couple, in which the partner unwittingly enables the sex addict to carry on with his unacceptable pattern of sexual acting out.

The converse is true regarding the emotional influences on the wife. She may turn inward, withdraw, stay silent and distant. This can include withdrawing from any sexual activity with the addict. These stonewalling behaviors can ignite strong feelings of shame and rejection in the sex addict. In a way, the partner succeeds in punishing the sex addict through these behaviors. But the price of this punishment may be a return to his active addiction as a way to deal with conflict at home.

A tremendously debilitating effect on the partner is to assume all responsibility for the addict’s sexual acting out, and even for all of the problems in the relationship. The sex addict may exploit this to his advantage, perpetuating self-doubt within the partner.

For example, the partner may confront her spouse with evidence of a transgression, like a credit card charge to a hotel, but the sex addict is skillful and experienced in deception. He will boldly challenge the partner’s credibility, suggesting she see a “shrink” for being so paranoid and suspicious of him. He can persuasively feign righteous indignation, causing his partner to distrust her own instincts and perceptions, even in the face of tangible evidence.

The self doubt can plague the partner, aggravating her confusion and contributing to the feeling of “losing my mind”. Not wanting to continue to feel “crazy”, she may retreat into denial, the basic and most fundamental defense mechanism for both partner and addict. When in denial, she will believe the addict’s lies, however far-fetched they may be. She will accept the unacceptable. Whichever lies the sex addict offers to cover up his addiction, she is compelled to “not rock the boat” in order to assuage her abandonment fears.

· What are the characteristics of a sexual codependent?

Firstly, let’s consider what codependency is. Codependency is an overworked and overused word and definitions can be confusing. At core, it revolves around a deep fear of losing the approval and presence of the “other”. This underlying fear can result in manipulative behaviors that overfocus on maintaining another person’s presence and approval. Control, obsequiousness, anger, caretaking, and being over-responsible are among the behaviors that can be the manifestations of codependent behavior. Because of dysfunctional family-of-origin issues, codependents learn to react rather than respond to others, take responsibility for others, worry about others, and depend on others to make them feel useful or alive.

Codependence also refers to the way events from childhood unconsciously produces attitudes and behaviors that propel people into destructive relationships in the present. The self worth of the codependent comes from external sources. They need other people to give them feelings of self-worth. Codependence is a particular relationship with one’s self in which the person doesn’t trust his or her own experiences. Lacking the inner boundaries necessary to be aware of and express their true wants, feelings, goals and opinions, they are “other-validating”. Having only a reflected sense of self, they constantly seek affirmation and validation from other people because they are unable to endorse and validate from within. “Self-validating” people are able to do this. Co-dependents often focus on an addict’s sobriety as a way to achieve a precarious sense of self- consolidation. Sadly, their behavior often perpetuates the loved one’s addiction.

Codependent people believe they can’t survive without their partners and will do anything they can do to stay in the relationship, however painful. The fear of losing their partners and being abandoned (once again) overpowers her ability to make decisions in her own best interests. The thought of addressing the partner’s addiction can be terrifying: they may be frightened of igniting the partner’s anger which can result in feeling emotionally flooded by (childhood) fears of loss.

The sexual co-dependent suffers from additional symptoms: driven by the potential loss of the relationship, which she sees as identical with her very identity, some women engage in sexual activities with their partners that they find distasteful or even morally repugnant – all in an effort to keep him home and happy. However, this type of fantasy-based acting out may not be based on her real sexual needs and desires and opens the way to turning his partner into yet another object. Certain kinds of sexual acting out can turn sex into another fix for him. The partner senses this, making her sense of sexual betrayal even more poignant.

In couples where one partner is ciphering off his erotic energies from the primary relationship, there are invariably problems with the couple’s own sexual expressiveness. He becomes sexually demanding. She expresses her resentment about this by not being sexually responsive. He may lose erotic interest in her, as she never lives up to the thrill of fantasy-based sexual enactments. The sense of having a person-related, intimate sexual encounter may diminish. Erotic expression between the couple can easily dry up, leaving the sexual co-addict feeling even more diminished as a woman and as a person.

Sexual co-dependents have an inordinate need to get the information straight. “Detectiving” is a common activity: checking his computer, looking up names and numbers, or desperately looking for scraps of paper with numbers written on them. One client even invited a prostitute her spouse had frequented into her home because she wanted to know the details. The need-to-know provides the partner with a way to check up on her own reality (“Am I crazy or is this really happening?”) and provides her with a sense of much-needed (although illusory) sense of mastery over an out-of-control situation. Especially in light of the addict’s continual denial, the co-addict has a need to provide “evidence” to ensure her soundness of mind — a ploy that rarely works and is exceedingly exhausting.

The final distinction between sexual co-addicts and other co-dependents is the shame associated with this “secret”. Sex as an addiction is rarely discussed in “polite society” and there is a huge social stamina associated with it. Sexually addicted clients often tell me that they’d rather be alcoholics or drug addicts. The stigmatization of this compulsion almost ensures that the sexual co-dependent will want to hide or to provide a good “front” to deal with feelings of shame and despair. She may become socially isolated because she can’t discuss the situation with friends. Depression easily enters into an emotional environment of isolation and shame. Keeping secrets about important dimensions of life ensure that the issues underlying them will not be healed.

· What’s involved in therapy for someone who is the partner of a sex addict?

There is hope. The pain the sexual co-dependent experiences is normal. Learning a partner is sexually addicted can be devastating and debilitating. The betrayal triggers a myriad of strong emotions. Feelings of anguish, despair, rage, hopelessness and shame may overtake her. She may feel alone in unchartered territory, wondering “Where do I go from here?”

Psychotherapy is extremely important. Be sure to find a therapist conversant with these issues. What should happen in your therapy?

Treatment for sexual codependence can become a process of continued growth, self-realization and self-transformation. Working through feelings of victimization can lead to a new sense of resiliency. Going through this process can be an avenue to discovering meaning and to building stronger self-esteem. Challenges faced can elevate one to a higher level of well-being. A sense of serenity and peace from the appreciation of having worked through this process may occur.

Lessons not learned in the family-of-origin can be now be learned and worked through: appropriate self-esteem, setting functional boundaries, awareness of, acknowledgment of and expression of one’s personal reality without undo fear of retaliation, and taking better care of one’s adult needs and wants while allowing other adults to take care of theirs are all potential gains to be made in therapy and recovery.

Internal and external boundaries will be strengthened. Strong external boundaries will ensure that you will not again put yourself into a victim role. A sense of having internal boundaries will open up new avenues of healthy intimacy as you will know who you are and be able to hear who another is. At the heart of healthy intimacy is the ability to share your real self with another and be available when someone else shares his real self with you.

The sexual co-depenent may find she no longer needs to bend herself into a pretzel to accommodate others. Rejection or disapproval may be unpleasant, but not devastating. Compromising personal integrity in order to get external approval and validation will cease. With increased self-knowledge comes the ability to Self-validate while still being in a relationship. Self esteem will be generated by her behaviors rather than the approval or validation from others.

Finally, time and energy spent on preoccupation and control of the addict can be used to attend to emotional support for the children, to recommit to and obtain increased satisfaction from work, to meet new people, and to develop new recreational activities.

· How can I possibly forgive him?

Despite the fact that it may seem impossible, forgiveness is a critical part of recovery for the partner of a sex addict. To forgive is not to forget. Forgiving means being able to remember the past without experiencing the pain all over again. It is remembering — but attaching different feelings about the events, and it is a willingness to allow the pain to have decreased relevance over time. Understanding the pain, compulsion and despair that the sex addict has undergone from sexual compulsion can open avenues to compassion.

To forgive is important primarily for oneself, not for the person one forgives. The opposite of forgiveness is resentment. When we resent, we experience the pain and anger all over again. Serenity and resentment cannot coexist.

The process of forgiveness begins with acknowledging that a wrong has been done to you. You have to recognize that you have strong feelings about what happened and you need to feel and process those feelings. You are entitled to be angry or hurt. Ideally, you can share those feelings with the person who has hurt you in couples counseling. If that is not possible, then you can share the feelings with your therapist or support group. After that, you can choose whether to stay in a relationship with that person. In either case, forgiveness does not imply permission to continue hurtful behaviors. As part of your own treatment, you need to decide which behaviors you can accept in your relationships and which you cannot.

The primary goal of forgiveness is to heal yourself. In a partnership affected by sexual addiction, forgiveness is aided by evidence of the partner’s changed behavior and commitment to treatment. These are also elements in rebuilding trust. For many couples, forgiving and learning to trust again go hand in hand. Both take time, making amends, continued treatment and steady, continual, trustworthy behavior on the part of the addict.

After the acting out has stopped, it’s critical to not use his past behavior as a “hook” to punish or manipulate him. When a desire for revenge exists, you have not forgiven, and you see him in one dimension (“Bastard”). The capacity to see him as a whole person (he’s not just a sex addict, he’s many things) will help you move forward. Couples therapy will help you move toward a sense of him as a multidimensional person with on-going issues.

· I’m incredibly frustrated that he/she won’t tell the truth. Even when I present “evidence”, he denies his sexual acting out. How can I ever trust a man who so blatantly lies to me?

Sex addiction thrives in secrecy. Addicts will go to any length to protect their double life. Denial, (“Don’t Even Know I’m Lying”) plays a huge part in any addiction process. The reality of the acting out is protected from the conscious mind. If the addict is unaware of the truth, how can he tell you?

The very thinking process of the addict becomes impaired as he becomes immersed in the denial process, giving way to the minimization of the extent of his behavior. This connects with “rationalization”: i.e. “I’m not really cheating” – “All guys do this” – “I’m not hurting anyone” – “I work hard so I deserve some pleasure.” This combination of denial, minimization and rationalization makes it extremely difficult for him to know the truth.

More complexing is the phenomenon of “dissociation”, or “The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” syndrome. Dissociation is a clinical process that characterizes multiple personality disorder. While I’m not saying the sex addicts have MPD, I am suggesting that some of the same characteristics of that disorder are shared. One side of the personality protects the other side from the truth. Some level of dissociation is in every man who has a “double life”. Each side of the personality has different values, goals, beliefs and needs that conflict with the other side.

This is why, when the sexual acting out is finished, the addict feels so distressed and shameful. Mr. Hyde does the acting out and Dr. Jekyll experiences the remorse.

When the addict is acting out, he has feelings of being disconnected from himself and his environment. Clients speak of “the bubble”, the “erotic haze”, “zoning out”, and “feeling apart from myself and watching myself from afar “, of feeling “foggy” or “not feeling like a real person” Losing track of time is common as is feeling outside oneself as both an observer and a participant. Emotions are numbed; the fantasy creates an alternate reality which obscures the truth of “what is”.

Once in therapy, a primary issue that arises is a feeling of a fragmented sense of self or being unsure of his identity. Therapy will help him get to the bottom of hidden parts of himself that he may not have fully understood or been able to control until treatment starts to work. Only by getting in touch with hidden parts of himself will the full realization of his talents and strengths be realized and fulfillment in his personal relationships can begin to unfold.

· I don’t see how our relationship can survive the emotional pain and chaos of his sexual addiction. Have other couples been able to work through these issues? How have they done it?

When at least one member of a couple is sexually addicted, restoring trust and building intimacy can be very difficult. These couples must work as hard on their recovery together as a couple as they do on their individual recoveries.

One of the great challenges to recovery from sexual compulsivity is restoring or building an intimate relationship with a committed partner. Many existing relationships are seriously impaired and often don’t survive because of sexual acting out. The partner of the sex addict’s ability to trust is obviously damaged. The psychodynamic and behavioral issues underlying sexual addiction contribute to obstacles to overcoming and building intimate and committed relationships.

The good news is that we have seen from our experience that not only is it possible to repair, rebuild, or newly build a committed relationship, but the level of emotional and physical intimacy that comes from working on these issues together is sustaining, gratifying and growth-producing for each member of the couple.

· How can couples counseling help us?

Most couples who come for couples therapy after discovery are in a high state of reactivity, with communication being limited to blame/defense. There is a high degree of projection (seeing the things you like least about yourself in your partner) and a small degree of self-focus. The tendency is to react immediately and emotionally, with no time given for reflective thinking. One task of the therapist is to create a safe, non-volatile space by gradually guiding each person to commit to self-focus which reduces blame and defense.

The therapist will do some psychoeducational pieces on sex addiction and co-addiction to normalize each person’s feelings and further reduce blame. Nothing can be done about the quality of the marriage unless each person commits to a personal program of recovery: an “S” meeting for the addict, and COSA or S-Anon for the co-addict. The couple can come out of the shadow of shame about living with sex addiction through identifying with others who have gone through similar experiences. Here, finally, they find people they can talk to about what they’ve been hiding from family and friends. Regular attendance at meetings gives structure and accountability to the life of the sex addict. A co-addict who works on the steps with a trusted sponsor is renewing her commitment to focus on herself and her own issues, renouncing her focus and pre-occupation with the addict.

Sex addicts and sexual codependents usually have never experienced healthy bonding with and nurturing from their parents. This impairs their ability to have successful bonding and separation in subsequent relationships in adult life. The therapist might construct a “genogram” which is a graphic depiction of three generations of each person’s family. It shows psychiatric and physical problems throughout the generations such as alcoholism, divorce, hospitalizations,etc. The genogram also reveals the quality of family relationships, indicating where there was enmeshment and where there was distancing. With a clear understanding of family-of-origin issues, the couple can understand themselves and each other and develop awareness of what triggers are coming from the past.

Couples counseling enables the couple to reach a point of mutual interdependence in which both partners have lives outside of the relationship, but also feel committed to it. The partners need each other, but are comfortable with independent lives of their own. Over time, each develops a new sense of “Self”-in relationship.

Both members of the relationship are encouraged to accept mutual responsibility for the dysfunction in the relationship. As long as one partner is blaming the other for all of their couple problems, progress will be slow. Recounting the history of the relationship will be a part of this process. How have each other’s addictions and co-addictions affected the relationship? What consequences have been experienced? What strategies have the partners tried to heal themselves that haven’t worked? What are the repetitive arguments and fights? What is the nature of the collective shame in the relationship? How does each partner trigger the other’s issues?

Each individual in the couple learns how to exchange instant gratification for the joy of ongoing intimacy. Sexual addict/codependents find that this intimacy and the trust, mutual understanding, and the emotional/spiritual/physical closeness it creates from having done the work can be qualities that few couples ever experience.

Better Sex For Men – 3 Things You Can Do To Pleasure Any Woman Beyond Belief

Here are 3 very important and helpful “better sex for men tips” that will aid you in pleasuring any woman beyond belief.

1. Learn to Last. Even if you think you can last long in bed, you may have a ton of room for improvement.

This is so important because it tends to be the number one complaint of all women who don’t get sexually satisfied enough. Many men simply cannot last long in bed. And the sad thing is they do nothing to change that. Lasting long in bed not only leads to better sex for men, but it leads to huge amounts of confidence which actually translate over to picking women up much more easily (knowing you can pleasure them beyond belief eliminates all worries and anxiety issues).

Tip: The way to learn how to have sex longer, is through exercises and some breathing techniques. There’s a muscle you can exercise, commonly referred to as the “PC muscle”, which actually strengthens your control ability. Anxiety and mental over excitement can be lessened greatly through slow and controlled breathing techniques during sex.

Personal Experiences: Building up foreplay is a great tactic for lasting longer. If you pleasure a woman enough before actual sex, then orgasm will be right around the corner and you won’t have to stress over long lasting sex. Work on pleasuring “erotic zones” on the woman’s body. Use your hands and mouth to pleasure with first, before engaging in actual sex.

2. Positions. Give this one up to the ladies, guys!

We guys can ejaculate pleasurably from just about any position, but women definitely prefer some positions over others, and receive a lot more pleasure from these positions. The standard missionary position is actually very LOW on the totem pole for pleasuring women, yet this is what most men will jump to perform without even thinking about it. Find a position that you know she experiences major pleasure from, and make that your primary position, but definitely do switch it up to other female friendly pleasure positions for varieties sake.

Tip: If you are unsure of a pleasuring position to engage in, then go for the girl on top position. This is always a favorite for many women. They have more control and can maneuver themselves into that “sweet spot” where major pleasure will be experienced. An added benefit for guys in this position is that you actually will end up lasting much longer than you will in other positions. This is due to simple gravity issues. Think about it!

Personal Experiences: Use a pillow as support. Many positions may be “85% pleasurable” yet there still seems to be a bit of discomfort which can prevent the position from being all it can be. If you use a pillow to support you or your partners lower back or neck, you can lock in the particular position, making it 100% pleasurable. I find a support pillow under the lower back when the woman is on top can greatly increase pleasure for both!

3. Thicker Penis. Notice I didn’t say “bigger penis”!

This is because it is not the length that matters to women, but actually the most pleasurable performance aspect to the penis is the thickness, or the “girth” size. This actually provides more pleasure to women during sex. It’s the big secret on the ever controversial question, “does size matter”. It doesn’t matter in the length, but it definitely does matter in girth! The good news is that guys can actually improve their girth size by doing exercises, most notably the jelqing exercise. The basics of this exercise involves massaging the penis continually for a number of sets and reps. Each massage is actually a slow and controlled stroke which starts at the base and ends just before the head. This increases the walls of the penis, creating a much thicker size which will lead to better sex as this is what women find pleasurable.

Extra Tips for Jelqing: The penis should be in a partial erection state. Generally this refers to around a 60% erection, not a full erection. Lubrication is also highly recommended. There is such a thing as “dry jelqing”, but this should be reserved for those more experienced, and even then many advise against not using lube. As far as a jelqing schedule goes, you should set aside 4-5 days a week for jelqing exercises, and expect 8 weeks or so for results to begin to appear.